Corporate Absurdity and the Quest for Sugar Biscuits

From 2020 to 2023, I was a contractor moonlighting as a manager for a corporate security team, a role that had me evaluating and executing various requests. Some were routine; others were a wild ride into the absurd. But one particular request took the cake—or should I say, the cookie.

It all began when a manager from within the corporation, a denizen of the corporate jungle, demanded urgent help with a project. They needed to know how many of their so-called "Engineers" were in a specific building over the past three months. The deadline? By the end of the day. While requests like this had become a corporate norm—thanks to Covid-19 and layoffs—this one was dripping with urgency and a twist of intrigue.

Here’s where it gets juicy. I, a seasoned technologist with a resume boasting a decade as a full-stack developer, was handed the task. My expertise spans from building proprietary CRM systems to developing applications across every major platform. I could’ve whipped up data in my sleep, but this request had a catch: the building was shackled to a relic of an access control system, and the data came in an Excel spreadsheet from hell—massive, unwieldy, and formatted for printing, not parsing.

The data was so convoluted it might as well have been encoded in ancient hieroglyphs. With the clock ticking and my team utterly clueless on how to clean this digital mess, I turned to the remote Security team managing the building. They offered an estimate but nothing that could help us meet the absurd deadline.

So, we sent the data back to the requester with an explanation of our data debacle and a list of colleagues who might have the skills to decipher the spreadsheet.

And then, like a sequel nobody asked for, the request came around again the next day. The deadline remained—end of the day. We reran the data parade with the same explanation and hoped for the best.

It wasn’t until a week later, while loitering in the building lobby and chewing the fat with the requester, that the veil of corporate mystery was lifted. The truth? They wanted an accurate headcount of Engineers to avoid ordering too many cookies for their "Engineering Appreciation Week." Yes, you read that right. The difference between ordering one or two boxes of fifty sugar cookies was the driving force behind this circus.

There it was: several hours and considerable resources squandered to prevent an overindulgence in sugar biscuits. This is why I harbor a deep-seated skepticism toward corporate machinations. When you’ve got folks more adept at networking than understanding the gritty details, you end up with these ridiculous spectacles.

So, remember this: always ask why, but be prepared for answers that may shatter your belief in rationality. Or maybe don't ask at all. Sometimes ignorance is bliss, especially when it keeps you from diving headfirst into the absurdities of corporate nonsense.